1001 Ways to Get Kicked Out of a 24-Hour Diner

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(Stephanie Szolusha wrote the first 25 and Cathi (Wilson) Montanino and Joey Baret wrote the second 25. We don't know who wrote the rest.)

  1. Enter in full RHPS costume and commence a floor show.
  2. Steal all the flowers from the tables.
  3. Eat all the flowers on the tables.
  4. Stuff all the flowers on the tables down one girl's cleavage.
  5. Do sugar shots (swallow packets of sugar - the sugar, not the paper)
  6. Do half-and-half shots
  7. Get sick doing Sweet and Low shots.
  8. Suck on ketchup bottles (deep throat contests are sooo entertaining.,.)
  9. Make a production out of popping 'virgin' ketchup bottles.
  10. Using a fork as a lever, fling sugar packets across the room.
  11. Using a fork as a lever, fling jelly across the room
  12. Fling jelly at the mirrored ceiling until it sticks. Wonder who it will fall on.
  13. Fling cream cheese at the mirrored ceiling and discover it sticks better than jelly.
  14. Tell the waitress dirty jokes.
  15. Set a book of matches on fire in the ashtray.
  16. Smoke a clove cigarette. When the waitress comes to take your order act stoned.
  17. Steal forks.
  18. Steal forks, make them into bracelets and walk out wearing them.
  19. Steal wine lists.
  20. Steal menus.
  21. Steal the tacky plastic plants.
  22. Plant marijuana seeds in the real plant pots. Return in a month.
  23. Make the "normal people" the waitress mistakenly seated in your section feel welcome.
  24. When the "normals" leave, eat their leftover food.
  25. Order "just water". When the waitress informs you of the $2.50 minimum, rifle through your pockets. Unearthing a dollar, order a vanilla coke. Change it to a strawberry sprite. Change it to a chocolate root beer. Ask if they have any other flavourings. When the waitress asks what else you'd like, smile and say "That's it." When she reminds you of the $2.50 minimum, split french fries with mozzarella cheese and tomato sauce with your friend across the room. Change tables to sit with him. Ask the waitress to put you on that table's bill. Do not leave a tip.
  26. Order pickles, hot dogs, bananas, tacos, etc. and eat them suggestively.
  27. Take up the whole No Smoking section and all light up. Tell the waitress you thought it was the Chain Smoking Section.
  28. Convince the waitress that she's dead and the diner is her own personal hell.
  29. Convince the waitress that *you've* died and the diner is *your* own personal hell.
  30. Bring your own food. (water, cake, etc.)
  31. Blow kisses at employees.
  32. Blow kisses at "normals"
  33. Blow kisses at employees of the same sex.
  34. Blow kisses at "normals" of the same sex.
  35. Ask to meet the meat.
  36. Ask what breed of hamburger they serve.
  37. Do imitations of the employees.
  38. Have a management look-alike contest.
  39. Freak out over an invisible cockroach.
  40. Perform a Satanic ritual using the main course as the sacrifice.
  41. Goose the waiter/waitress
  42. Hold a descriptive conversation about your last bowel movement while the waitress is trying to take your order.
  43. Casually plan a murder while the waitress is taking orders from your table.
  44. Plan the murder of the waitress.
  45. Decide that it's a nearby normal's birthday. Have the waitress sing to him/her.
  46. Each time the waitress leaves the room, switch places/tables.
  47. Ask for separate checks for each person.
  48. Order for your invisible friend. When you leave, stick him with the check.
  49. Order all your food to go. Eat it in the parking lot.
  50. Have a contest to see who can fake the best orgasm.